DAY 85: Facing death

To witness death and how it deprives man of all that once was, will never become normal to me. Not even if I become the best nurse ever - I will never get used to it
And maybe that´s a good thing. That I don´t. Because no two man are the same, and neither are we in death. That being said, death has it´s own way of leaving it´s unkind signature on us all. And it always strikes me, whenever I witness it, that death is so cruel, not matter how old or sick you are. You´re here, then you´re not. And the line is so thin where it holds the "to be or not to be" seperated. It´s strange and unreal, and it always leaves me with a feeling of being lost whenever I witness the actual crossing of the line or whenever I enter the room right after death has left with it´s winners trophy. I will never ever get used to it. Dealing with Mr. Grim Reaper will never appear common to me, no matter how hard I try to keep my game face on for the world to see. 
A couple of days a ago I woman died on my watch. She wasn´t one of my patients, so I had nothing to do with her care or her relatives, but still. I helped caring for her after she had passed. I helped getting her ready for the mortuary, and I helped placing her in the hospitals morgue. It was full of bodies. Full of people that had right up untill this week been alive with thoughts and feelings of their own, with hopes and frights and dreams for the future. Some of them are being grieved for, while others might have lived a lonely life with no mourners. I don´t know. But lying there, they are all wrapped in white sheets, and they all appear nameless numbers of lifes once lived- Empty shells of what could have been. And It´s strange, so strange. Leaving her there as one of many others kind of started the prosess of erasing her , she is no longer- her life is over. She is gone. I know it shouldn´t, but it still gives me the chills. And I don´t really know why, but leaving her there in the cold room, with sheets wrapped around her body and face fastened by pins made me feel so claustrophobic on her behalf. Like it is impossible for me to actually comprehend that there´s no more left to feel. On her behalf. Her life is redused to "just a body" and it gives me the chills. Because we are all just bodies in the end. It will never become normal to me. Not even if I become the best nurse ever - I will never get used to it

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