I have to go through with a procedure today that I´m absolutely terrified about.That being said, no one is forcing me into doing this. I´m not sick, and the the soul reason for doing this is diagnostically. I´m actually actively choosing to go through with this, despite the possibility of pain. Being pregnant. They just cant seem to figure out why it´s not happening for us... the egg not sticking where it should, the belly not growing so to say... So I´m going through with it. The procedure. Scared. Terrified. Not so much for the pain actually. It´s the unknown that frightens me. The not knowing, the loosing of control. It´s like there´s a checkpoint at the entry to the hospital where you have to leave common sense behind. in return you get a bag full of possible outcomes, wrapped in the colours of anxiety and horror
- a hysteroscopy. The female surgeon that had just operated on me spoke the words slowly and carefully while looking me straight in the eyes. She had just done a laprascopy on me, and through the haze of general anaesthesia I heard her, but not really, sort off... -Off course you don´t absolutely have to do it, she continued, the surgeon - But we strongly recommend you to, so that we can help you find some answers.
- What is it, I asked. Hysteroscopy? Really having no idea what this was all about. - Is it painful? do I need anaesthesia, I continued. A bit worried, but soon calmed by the doctors reinsurance that it would all be OK. That it would all be explained in the letter I would soon to receive in the mail. - Alright, I said. I´ll do it.
Hysteroscopy is the inspection of the uterine cavity by an endoscopy with access through the cervix. It allows for the diagnosis of intrauterine pathology and serves as a method for surgical intervention. It is not said to be especially painful, though some react with a bit of cramping in the legs and a bit of a racing heart after the local anaesthesia. Some have a bit of bleeding after. Some don't. They say it is not dangerous.
Still i´m afraid; not afraid to admit that. Don´t even actually know what hunts me most.
On the lookout. For some sweet fruit. Finding the courage to go through with it isn´t quite as easy as I thought it would be. But I´m here, searching for some relief while taking in the wise words of Bethany Hamilton; Courage doesn´t mean you don´t get afraid. Courage means you don´t let fear stop you.
So I won´t. Let my fear get in the way of me actually doing this. It´s about living with life right. Feeling alive. Being scared isn´t dangerous. Being bitter because you let fear win is. I will never be bitter. I will get pregnant. One day