DAY 168: finding the courage to go through with it

Courage is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty or intimidation. With dignity. And like any other fruit with the taste of sweet relief,  it hangs high - making it hard, almost impossible to get. But instead of a latter- To harvest it, the only thing you need is to feel at peace with yourself.

http://weheartit.com/entry/16925322/via/rafaelsgirl

I have to go through with a procedure today that I´m absolutely terrified about.That being said, no one is forcing me into doing this. I´m not sick, and the the soul reason for doing this is diagnostically. I´m actually actively choosing to go through with this, despite the possibility of pain. Being pregnant. They just cant seem to figure out why it´s not happening for us... the egg not sticking where it should, the belly not growing so to say... So I´m going through with it. The procedure. Scared. Terrified. Not so much for the pain actually. It´s the unknown that frightens me. The not knowing, the loosing of control. It´s like there´s a checkpoint at the entry to the hospital where you have to leave common sense behind. in return you get a bag full of possible outcomes, wrapped in the colours of anxiety and horror

- a hysteroscopy. The female surgeon that had just operated on me spoke the words slowly and carefully while looking me straight in the eyes. She had just done a laprascopy on me, and through the haze of general anaesthesia I heard her, but not really, sort off... -Off course you don´t absolutely have to do it, she continued, the surgeon - But we strongly recommend you to, so that we can help you find some answers.
- What is it, I asked. Hysteroscopy? Really having no idea what this was all about. - Is it painful? do I need anaesthesia, I continued. A bit worried, but soon calmed by the doctors reinsurance that it would all be OK. That it would all be explained in the letter I would soon to receive in the mail. - Alright, I said. I´ll do it.

Hysteroscopy is the inspection of the uterine cavity by an endoscopy with access through the cervix. It allows for the diagnosis of intrauterine pathology and serves as a method for surgical intervention. It is not said to be especially painful, though some react with a bit of cramping in the legs and a bit of a racing heart after the local anaesthesia. Some have a bit of bleeding after. Some don't. They say it is not dangerous.

Still i´m afraid; not afraid to admit that. Don´t even actually know what hunts me most.
On the lookout.  For some sweet fruit. Finding the courage to go through with it isn´t quite as easy as I thought it would be. But I´m here, searching for some relief while taking in the wise words of Bethany Hamilton; Courage doesn´t mean you don´t get afraid. Courage means you don´t let fear stop you.
So I won´t. Let my fear get in the way of me actually doing this. It´s about living with life right. Feeling alive. Being scared isn´t dangerous. Being bitter because you let fear win is. I will never be bitter. I will get pregnant. One day

5 comments:

  1. Åh fine du! Lycka til, jag hejar på er!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Imponert over ditt mot og jeg liker deg så godt. Jeg er her for deg når du trenger meg, både tidlig og sent og midt på:-)Glad i deg, koseklem fra Stine

    ReplyDelete
  3. You are brave. You are beautiful. You are strong. You can face this. You are loved:)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Lykke til..husk å puste med magen. Og ha tro!
    :-)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Heia

    Håper det gikk bra og skjønner veldig godt at du begir deg ut på det.

    ReplyDelete

feel free to comment:)