day 235: when it all becomes complicated

Looking for a word that would sum it all up, a word describing how I feel at the moment I stumbled across this one. Mediocre. Me-di-o-cre. A great word although somewhat... I don´t know.. sad.. in a way.  It feels like the right word, - yet so wrong. Mediocre: describing something that is average, but was expected to be much better.
Lately I´ve spent a lot of time questioning why we all seem to have a need to express our lives to others, often trying to make life seem better than it actually is...
And I don´t think that the urge to do so necessarily arized with our increased access to social media either. I think it´s in most of us, that urge. To be seen, noticed. And I think it always has, at all times through history, by different means.
Our relatively newfound access to the great variety of different social media such as facebook and insta and twitter and so on, makes it harder though. I guess. To know what´s real. Friends and followers, readers and commenters becomes important bystanders in our online lives, bystanders that needs to be fed. And we need to feed them. Keep them. The more followers we have, the more popular and loved we feel. Appreciated. Accepted. Seen and heard.
its strange.
Lately I´ve spent a lot of time thinking about that. And then I´ve spent a lot of time thinking about how we should maybe all quit our presence in our online parallel universe and focus more on the universe that we actually live in. See the people actually sitting next to us. And instead of hitting the "like " button on what seems to be a new haircut, actually comment on it. With our words. And eyes. And smile.
Nah. Maybe we´re just to shy too.  Scary stuff. Easier to just hit " like".

So, I´ve thought a lot about that. About life and how we all seam to wana make it appear better than it maybe is. But mostly, my thoughts have drifted towards love. Trying to figure it out.

It´s so easy when it´s easy and so hard when it´s not. It´s like life, nor black or white. Though it would decomplicate the world if it was. Love. Just good or bad.
If no good were to be found in bad and no bad in good. That would simplify life.. Maybe make it less exciting, but simply it nonetheless. Bad would be bad, and good would be good and there would be no mixup.
There would be love, or there wouldn´t.
There would be no kind of grey shades, life and love would present it self as either or, and there would be no need to question it.
Truth it, there´s as many shades of grey as there are people, as many kinds of love as there are colors in the universe. And the minute you think you´ve figured someone or something out out another shade arises.

And then it becomes complicated.
Mediocre: describing something that is average, but was expected to be much better.

I feel lost. Somehow, in my life, right now, I feel lost. I´ve lost my way, and the paths that I´ve taken, that I´ve been walking for so long has not led me to where I thought I was going. And I don´t know what or who to blame for it other than myself. And maybe it´s not even necessary, this handing out blame game. It is as it is.
Life, right now, it feels mediocre. In a way. And I don´t want mediocre. Life is simply just to short for mediocre business. So I need to change. I need a change. But change is scary. Freaks me out. Kinda feels like I´m stuck in this open field where grayness and greatness is mixed up in the fog that somehow just seems to surround me.
The path that I´ve chosen is still under my feet, and If I just stick to it, I will somehow avoid being captured by the fog and the unknown. I know that. But I also have a sneaking suspicion that that the path I`m on is leading me to walk in circles. Feeling feelings that I´ve felt before, spotting the same trees with branches of why´s ...and I fear that when I couldn´t give the trees the answers the first time around, what will have changed when we meet again?

I know I´m the one holding the key to my life's controlroom where choices are made and the future continually drawn up. I know.  I´ve just misplaced it somewhere.
But I will find it.
I refuse to live a mediocre life.
I´m going for it.
 I´ve hereby jumped off my path, trying to locate the key.
I want to do good, even great with my time. I want to make a difference. Not just blend in.
I want my life to matter.

I don´t have to be best, but I want to be the best I can be. And I want love. Unconditional love, overwhelming love. I want to truly feel like I´m someone's light in the fog that makes colors come to life.

I don´t want to be mediocre.

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